Warning: If you plan to do the camp by yourself and would like to join it without knowing what will happen beforehand, please skip this section as I will talk in great detail about how the course was actually conducted. You can jump directly to Part 3 - My Learnings.
Day 0: The start The gong has marked the official start of the program. We were instructed again that from now on we need to follow the 5 rules, and are required to have "noble silence" - silence of body and mind, which means no talking to other students anymore.
I still remember the first meditation session: I walked to the big hall, and was very excited because I had no idea what would happen - prepared and ready for anything. I probably expected some meditation training, hearing some music or chanting, at least some instructions on how to sit properly. First, I was assigned a good spot - right in the back corner of the hall, so I could observe everything and everyone in front of me - good! Only later I learned that it was also a spot with many mosquitoes...
After all the students got their space, the assistant teacher entered and was sitting at a podium in front of us, all in white. He looked majestic and wise, overlooking us - it was an interesting moment. Next, an audio tape was played, and we heard the voice of an old man chanting something I couldn't understand. It was actually not very comforting to listen to - he sounded like he was gasping and out of breath sometimes, and you could hear many people coughing in the background - overall not very pleasant, and honestly I thought it was a bit strange. Especially during a time where people in Taiwan were very worried about Covid, hearing so many coughing sounds was not very comforting.
The first exercise that evening was to focus on our breath - in the area around my nose, below my nose, inside my nose. Observe the breath coming in and out. No further instructions, no guiding through the meditation, no imagination of certain things - only the breath. I tried, but actually it was very difficult. Once I started to focus on my breath, a few moments later my mind had already picked up a random thought and wandered away. It took me several minutes to realize this, and then I forced myself to focus again. It worked for a few moments, but soon again my mind was gone and somewhere else. It was overall a very frustrating experience. A bit confused and frustrated, the first meditation session ended. “What is this place here, and what am I doing?” Luckily day 0 was over, so it was time to sleep. Based on the schedule I saw, I knew it would not be a long night.
Days 1-3: Anapana meditation
The gong made a loud noise at 4:00 - time to start the first full day. I got up, took a shower (the way to the bathroom was so cold!), and then first meditated in my room. It took me a while to find the correct spot - I was moving around in the room, from the 2nd bed to the chair and back. It was not very effective, and I couldn't wait for the gong to finally mark the end of this 2h session. Breakfast was served, i realized the main part was 粥 (some sort of rice congee which i didn't like) - seems I had to make peace with it, because that's going to be it for the whole 10 days. It was actually okay. Finally, time for a nap again - the nap after breakfast was one of my highlights of the course - it felt good having nothing to do, so you can just sleep again after breakfast without feeling bad about it 🙂
The day followed the timetable mentioned in Part I, which was also posted on the wall. Basically every meditation session started similar: The slightly disturbing chanting of S N Goenka, the instruction to focus on the area around/inside my nostrils and the breathing, to observe if the breathing comes in through which nostril (right/left/both), and to just observe and don't try to influence it. It was HARD! Thoughts kept coming and distracting me, I kept on moving my posture as I couldn't find a good one, my body started to hurt and I was getting frustrated! I didn't expect it to be so hard with so little guidance. Others seemed much calmer than me, so I was wondering if there was anything wrong with me.
The meditation sessions went on. The vegetarian lunch was actually good, but for dinner, besides some fruit, only a strange rice flour/brown sugar starch was served. I really didn't like it, but alternatives were not really available. I was looking forward to the first evening discourse, as it finally would provide some alternative to my monotonous, unsuccessful meditations...
The evening discourses actually then turned out to be my highlight of the course: There we watched a video-taped discourse from the teacher S N Goenka. Somehow he was speaking exactly the right topic at the right time. I remember, the first day I was quite frustrated when I entered the discourse. During the speech, Goenka addressed it and I had to smile - "The first day is over, you have 9 more days to work". He was speaking about the frustration of the wandering mind, sitting straight, and that many people experience difficulties on the first day - it's normal, as body and mind actually don't like to break their existing pattern. The fact that it was seemingly so difficult for me probably meant that I am really not used to this kind of exercise. I saw it as a challenge for me - if it's really so hard, then probably it's exactly the type of training my body and mind need. So I told myself to keep working on it. The half hour meditation after the evening discourse was then usually my best meditation result of the day - it was short, and I just got a lot of motivation from the discourse. However, the next morning then often felt like a setback and it was hard again...
One option at the program was the chance to sign up for a 5 min consultation with the assistant teacher, it was the only time when you were actually allowed to speak. I often made use of it and asked many questions, especially at the beginning about how to stop the mind from wandering, or how to sit correctly as I really had troubles with it. He was very kind, and gave me the advice to just keep trying to focus for as long as possible, and once I realized I was drifting away, just accept it, smile and keep focusing again on the breathing. Once you start feeling upset, you will make it harder for you. I tried to follow this advice. I still had many ups and downs, but overall I realized the periods of my attention got slightly longer, and I realized a bit faster when I started drifting away. These small successes encouraged me to keep trying.
After every meditation session, I went out to the yard of the meditation center. Due to the Chinese New Year, it was very quiet. The only facility outside was an old basketball court, where you could walk in circles - the only exercise that was allowed. I noticed many bees started to come here and died, some cats were making noise during mating season - as everything was very quiet, you actually had the chance to observe many small details.
I also got more into the daily routine. Every day the instructions changed slightly. On the 2nd day, the area to focus on got slightly smaller. I realized I got better at it and the mind was wandering a bit slower (sometimes). The teacher taught us that in every moment, many small reactions are happening throughout the body, and we should start to focus if we can observe any small sensations below the nose and above the lip. This was the 3rd day exercise, and it again was HARD! I switched between breathing and sensation observation, but it was quite difficult. Sitting got better, I was able to sit already for 5-10 min straight, so progress was there - slowly but steadily.
When I finally thought I was getting better and better, in the day 3 discourse, S N Goenka mentioned "the first three days were just preparation. Tomorrow you will learn the real Vipassana technique." Having said that, I felt pretty excited - but also a bit anxious. What did we do now, if actually all of this was just preparation? 😮
Day 4: Vipassana Day
When walking downstairs to collect my breakfast, suddenly I saw on the board that the schedule for day 4 was different! As the timetable was exactly the same every day so far and you got used to it, suddenly this change already made you feel a bit nervous and anxious about what to expect!
In the afternoon, we would have a discourse where we would learn about Vipassana meditation. The sensations we started to observe recently would become very important - now after training our mind sharply to detect sensations in the small triangle below the nose, from day 4 on we would start to observe the whole body! Starting from the top of the head, moving through each individual part of the body and observing if you notice anything. Actually, I realized in some parts I could already feel something, and the smaller the part the easier (e.g. eyes, ears, nose, fingers, feet were much easier to feel body sensations than chest, belly, back or legs).
Scanning through the body part by part, piece by piece was actually much more enjoyable than the simple observation of the breath, and it provided some much needed variety to the meditation sessions. Even though it was still hard and I kept getting distracted or experiencing blind areas without any feeling, I actually became better at it.
The concept of Goenka which he explained in the evening discourse is that mind and body are connected. There are in total 4 sequences of the mind in place, and it reacts based on 6 different sensors (see, hear, feel, taste, smell, think):
The body registers some event through the 6 different sensors
The mind evaluates and differentiates the action into good/bad
The body starts giving a sensation based on the mind's evaluation (pleasant/unpleasant)
Based on the body sensation, the mind starts to give a response (e.g. verbal action, physical action, etc.)
The teaching goes, that actually Buddha discovered the 3rd step - that the body creates a subtle sensation to the positive/negative evaluation of the mind, and then the body reacts with craving/aversion towards the body sensation, not towards the original event. Therefore, if one can notice this behavior and observe what's happening in the body, and then deliberately decides to accept the (positive or negative) feeling without reacting to it, you are able to remain peaceful as you are not moved anymore by external events.
By observing the body's sensations and not reacting to them, by not developing any "Sanchara" of aversion or craving, the mind gets purified, and old negative patterns start coming up, manifesting themselves in blind spots or negative feelings. The longer you keep doing this exercise and not reacting to the feelings that come up, the more old patterns of the mind will get cleansed, and you can achieve real peace, happiness from within. That's the concept that Buddha discovered, and that's the secret of Vipassana.
If you are curious to learn more, this concept is quite well described here:
Another new exercise was introduced on day 4, which I first hated but then actually liked: The "sittings of strong determination". While I was happy about my progress to only having to change position 5-6 times during a 1h session of meditation, suddenly Goenka had a surprise for us: From now on, 3x a day for 1h at group meditation sessions, we were not allowed to move our legs, arms or open your eyes to show your determination and concentration. I was SHOCKED - so far I was not able to even come close to this.
Luckily, I could observe a technique from a US student next to me - he was not sitting, but kneeling during meditation. I thought this might be the only chance for me, and - despite quite strong pain in my legs - I actually managed to keep this position during the first 1h session. I still moved my upper body quite a lot, but eventually got more stable, and in the end I managed to pass through the 1h with less and less movements. It's quite amazing what you can achieve, if you are determined.
Days 5-9: Ups and downs during Vipassana meditation
From day 5 on, basically we kept on practicing Vipassana meditation, but with further refining the technique. While first we basically scanned the body "part by part, piece by piece", after we got familiar with that technique Goenka asked us to now scan the left + right side in parallel. Once this worked out, he asked us to start doing a "sweep through the whole body", and then scan the parts individually again. I was very surprised that on the 5th and 6th day I actually had very intense feelings throughout my body. My hands started to feel pulsating, I could swear I really felt the blood rushing through the vessels on each finger individually. I was able to feel a vibrating sensation whenever I focused on any part of my body. On the evening of the 6th day when I was lying in bed, I started to feel strong, very pleasant vibrations throughout my body over at least 10 mins (at least that's how I perceived it). According to the teacher, the important part is that whenever you feel these positive sensations, it's important to stay equanimous to it, and don't expect them to last - same, as we shouldn't expect negative sensations to disappear. Our role is just to observe, without judgment, craving or aversion.
However, observing sensations with closed eyes can also be dangerous. It happened sometimes that I felt some sort of tingling and itching on a part of my body, and was quite happy to feel a sensation - only to find out when opening my eyes, that this sensation was actually a mosquito, which enjoys having a feast on my arm. Even though I accepted the rule of not killing any beings during these 10 days, I have to admit that 2 mosquitoes were smacked out of a reflex when opening my eyes. However, to the large cockroach wandering through my room sometimes I actually caused no harm - I just let it roam around freely.
On day 6, I had a moment of special clarity. Suddenly I could reflect on the reason why an experience when i was 14 has created a spark in me which led to me wanting to go abroad, why my time in Sweden has deepened the wish for me to become an expat and work abroad and what kind of mindset is still holding me down in certain areas. It was an amazing experience, being able to put some pieces of the puzzle together (I wanted to write my findings down at that moment but couldn't), and I am very grateful for it.
On day 7, I thought I had mastered the meditation - I could now feel sensations throughout my body, whenever I wanted to. Just by focusing on a specific part, the vibrations started. I enjoyed the sessions, and felt quite energized afterwards. However, the teacher kept warning us not to get used to it. On day 7 I had my first thought about starting my own blog (the one you are reading now), to write about leadership at a young age, working abroad, mental health etc. I was pretty excited and already thought about some topics, when then suddenly I started to have concerns about it. I had thoughts of doubt, and suddenly felt quite depressed. At that moment, I realized that usually when I have negative thoughts I would just distract myself with my phone, watching Netflix or doing something else - however, this time I couldn't as no distraction was available. In that sense, the negative feeling was much more intense, and it seemed impossible to overcome it. I could really sense that some parts of my body were now feeling blank during meditation, no matter how much I tried to focus on them.
Interestingly, that's also what teacher Goenka mentioned - when practicing Vipassana meditation, once you feel sensations but don't get attached to or react on them, it also means that the mind has to release some old negative patterns to keep running - so that unpleasant sensations come up is actually a good thing. However, fully getting used to them is a process that I still need to work on, as it definitely does not feel great - but it's part of life. It got more stable again later, but negative thoughts of anxiety and doubt actually still were with me intensely throughout day 8 and 9.
Day 10: Metta meditation and closure
Finally, day 10 came, and with this the well-awaited closing day. After not speaking for 9 days, I was pretty excited about finally being able to discuss with the other students about our experiences. The day still started normal with meditation in the morning and breakfast, however at around 10 finally the course officially closed, and we learned a new technique, which is basically a small add-on to the Vipassana meditation: Metta. Metta basically works the same as Vipassana first, you focus on the sensations in your body - but while doing that, you focus on how compassion, love and goodwill is flowing through your body and also circulating around you. This technique was said to create an aura of love and goodwill, which will then positively affect everyone around you. It's a nice thought, and it was a positive conclusion of the course.
After the class was over, we left the meditation hall and found that the entry has been re-decorated with many books, models and interesting objects related to Vipassana and teacher Goenka, showing the impact of the organization worldwide. It felt nice finally being able to read, to ask some long-awaited questions, and to understand better the history of the organization. Voluntary donations could now be made, I got my phone and wallet back one day earlier than expected - only then I realized how little I have missed them. I decided not to turn my phone on for a while, and just put it back to my room - I really wanted to enjoy the peaceful time without my phone for as long as possible, which was quite a surprise for me as I thought I would miss my phone the most.
Now you were finally able to discuss with other students about the experience. It turned out that even though everyone looked quite calm and focused, actually most students went through a similar curve than me - positive and negative emotions were both there at times, and the program was sort of guiding you through it. It felt quite relieving being able to share the positive and negative emotions with each other, and to get to know that other students have had a very similar experience as me just now. It was interesting to hear more of their backgrounds, motivations to join the course and their stories. Everyone got a final cleaning task on the last day. I could do some gardening work - I actually enjoyed finally being able to do physical work. Day 10 overall was a very positive conclusion of the camp. On the next morning, it felt great to be finally able to break through the barriers of the camp, and to go back to reality.
After the course ended, I felt very thankful for all the experience I had, realized some things I did wrong in the past, and that I want to change the way I do certain things in the future. As Goenka mentioned in one of the discourses: "This 10 day camp should not just be a spiritual entertainment, it should be a life-changing experience, and once you do it seriously you will see positive results coming in." I am looking forward to them happening.
In the final Part 3 I am finally summarizing my learnings and key takeaways from the retreat.
A spoiler first: I would definitely do it again 🙂
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