Two of my best friends at home got married.
My grandfather passed away.
The first family Christmas in my sister's newly built house.
My best friend had his first baby.
What do all these situations have in common? I unfortunately was not there.
Working abroad means missing out
These were only a few out of many moments which happened since I moved to Taiwan, for which I couldn't be present with my friends or family. For Christmas I managed to join online via Zoom, for the wedding I left a video message for the couple on their wedding day. That's the best I could do - however, it's not the same.
Usually, as an expat you have certain advantages when it comes to working abroad. The company is often offering some sort of travel allowance for you to still have the chance to go back home. During my first year abroad I made good use of it, so I could be home for a wedding, for Christmas, for summer vacation - I was still part of life at home, and my friends could reliably see me every few months. Then in 2020, Covid entered the world stage. Unexpectedly, quick trips back home were not possible anymore. Visitors from Austria couldn't travel to Taiwan anymore, many flights were canceled and a mandatory 2-week hotel quarantine was introduced. Luckily Taiwan remained a very safe place while almost the whole world was affected by the virus, so life here was still pretty normal. This was the moment I realized that from now on, I wouldn't be able to be home for some big moments anymore.
When I was still regularly studying abroad, I often felt that while experiencing so much in a foreign country, at home the world seemingly was standing still. Returning home, friends and family usually still lived at the same places, relationships were happily ongoing and everyone was moving on with their studies or jobs - it was a very steady environment. Whenever I came back home, it was easy to directly pick up and continue from where I left. It felt even though I wasn't home during that time, I didn't miss too much. However, since I started to work abroad and also entered my late 20s, things started to change.
It began with the bachelor party of my sister's husband, which I helped to prepare online, but couldn't join. It went on with the wedding of two of my best friends, which I couldn't be part of. My sister and her husband started to build their new house in my hometown, and I couldn't help them. My best friend had a baby, and I haven't had the chance to meet Oskar for a long time. Living abroad means that you can't always have it both, it often means missing out. You can't live abroad, and still also be fully part of the life at home. Now in my late 20s and early 30s, friends at home are making big decisions and large progress in their lives, but this time I am often not part of it anymore. When I do return home, many conversation topics are about these big moments which I missed. I listen attentively, but actually can't contribute much to it. I was not part of these memories - same as they were not part of mine.
Many friendships won't last
In life, if one chapter closes, a new one opens. You graduate from university, move to a new city, change jobs or start a new relationship. With every change in life, you will have to leave certain people behind to make room for new ones. It's unfortunately almost impossible to keep close contact with everyone: As proven in research by Robin Dunbar, a human can only have a certain amount of currently close connections in life (illustrated in the following picture). These numbers are just a reference and of course will vary (+/-) between different people and personalities, but they have been proven surprisingly reliable.
When living abroad, simply updating all close friends at home about what's happening to you will take a very long time, which can become repetitive and tiring. Naturally, you would start to pick the people you are most close with and share more with them, but you can't keep the same close contact with everyone anymore. You still need to make time to build your life in the new environment and establish your new social circle. If you keep focusing mainly on your life back home, you won't give a fair trial to the new environment and will not become well rooted in it. Making enough time to still stay in touch with friends and family at home can become really hard.
Where do you belong now? Who are you now?
When living and working abroad, you will meet many difficulties. Besides a new challenging job, you have to deal with a new culture, living in a new environment and figure out many new things at once. When facing a difficult situation, people often want to turn to their inner circle, their family and closest friends for support. However, as your circle from home is not physically there anymore and it takes time to build a strong network locally, it is pretty common to feel, at times, lost when living abroad. Friends back at home cannot fully relate to the issues you are facing in your new place, they don't know the people and environment you are telling them about and can't fully understand your experiences, successes and struggles. When life gets tough abroad, sometimes you feel like you are all alone. You don't fully belong to your old home anymore, but also don't fully belong to your new home either. It's normal to question yourself during this time, and I believe most people working abroad will go through this process every now and then, even after several years. As most people who are living or have lived abroad will share this common feeling, there is a famous quote that resonates with many of us:
For me, I am struggling with the feeling as well sometimes. Living abroad changes you. You will often start to adopt certain characteristics of the new culture, but will still keep your home cultural background as a basis. Sometimes you might feel that you don't really belong anywhere, which can be a deeply frustrating thought. During one session, my coach shared a different way of looking at it: Instead of the thought "I don't know where I belong", another perspective to see the same problem is that "I belong everywhere". You were successfully living at home, that's why a company saw the potential to hire you for this challenging role abroad. You now are also successful here, that's why you are able to adapt to the new environment, work and make meaningful connections. It's okay to not resonate with every aspect of the culture and place you chose to live for now. You know you could successfully adapt now, and you could do it easily again at another place anytime. You belong wherever you are, and wherever you want to be.
What did I do to deal with the situation?
As mentioned above, re-framing the negative thoughts is a good first step. However, it doesn't sound very actionable yet. So what did I actually do?
Focus on the important friends back home, and make time for them While living abroad already during university, I had to learn that many friendships will disappear quickly once the physical proximity is gone. That can be sad to accept, but it's okay and normal. However, the friends you will still keep calling regularly from the other side of the world will get closer to you through this process, and they become even more important and valuable. Another great type of friends are the ones that you actually don't need to talk with for months, but once you connect with them again you feel you can pick up right where you left, and it feels nothing changed. Especially when living abroad and struggling to balance being part of both worlds, these friendships are so valuable. Finally, even though with some friends you haven't had contact in years, you never know if life might connect your paths again in the future. And that's also a very comforting thought.
Build a strong local network in- and outside of your workplace If you work abroad, you naturally will spend much time with your coworkers, as they will be your first contacts. This is very important as they can give you feedback about how to deal with certain situations at the workplace, which you as a foreigner might do differently than locals would expect it. This will help you to reduce situations that will lead to conflict and frustration at the workplace, and of course will make your time at your job much better. However, I believe it's important to also have a healthy work-life balance abroad and build your main social circle outside of the workplace. Having local friends, who can help to understand the local culture better and help you to get used to living in the new environment are also very important. The more local friends you have, the better rooted you will become in the new environment - to get the full experience of the new place, you should avoid to just live in the expat bubble. I believe a healthy mix of local and international friends is most beneficial when living abroad. I found Taiwan to be a fairly active place when it comes to networking. For example, the organization All Hands Taiwan is holding regular networking events for locals and foreigners, usually with specific topics, so it's a great chance to blend in if the event topic sounds interesting to you.
Use social networks such as Facebook or Meetup It took me a year to realize that in Taiwan actually there are many activities and communities that can be joined for free easily via Facebook groups or Meetup. You can simply join and try an activity that sounds interesting to you (for me it was hiking, soccer or rivertracing) with like-minded people. This will help you to get to know your new home better, to find a new hobby as well as to easily build your social circle. Another great option is to learn a new skill (e.g. I signed up for a Swing Dance class in 2020), which again helps to get your mind off work-related topics for a while.
Get active in your home country's community abroad Some people who go abroad are happy not to see anybody from home anymore. However, I found that for me the key to still also be part of Austrian culture is to get active in the Austrian community here. Once I realized that there are regular Austrian meetup events in Taiwan, I often joined them. Two years ago, I was offered the chance to take over the leadership of the community from the previous president, and since then together with other volunteers we regularly hold events for Austrians and friends of Austria in Taiwan. This also helped to get invited to more official events by the Austrian Office or Chamber of Commerce, which again deepens the connections to other Austrians and their businesses. It is a great way to still be somehow part of both worlds.
Make friends with other people in a similar situation as you I still remember the day when I first met another Austrian guy, working for another Austrian company in Taiwan. When going for a beer and talking about our experiences and struggles of working in Taiwan, I felt very relieved and happy. Finally, someone gets it - I didn't have to explain much to him, as he went through similar situations as me, and we could share our strategies on how to deal with them. Having friends like this is very valuable when living and working abroad, as you realize you are not alone in this and someone can understand what you are going through.
Acceptance Lastly, another important part is that you sometimes simply have to accept that living abroad means that you can't be everywhere in both places and besides all the approaches to overcome this feeling, you still will feel lost sometimes - and that's okay. Also, losing some old friends in the process is normal and nothing to be afraid of. Real friends, no matter which culture they are from and how far the distance may be, will stay in your life and will understand and still support you.
Overall, besides all the downsides and challenges that living and working abroad will come with, having experienced living in more than one culture is a very rewarding experience that can help you grow a lot. It's not always beautiful, but extremely valuable. Despite all the ups and downs, and despite being homesick sometimes, I never seriously regretted the choice of spending part of my life away from home. It just makes every time I am actually coming back home much sweeter.